Parenting

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Overview: Self-Determination in Parenting

If there was only one type of relationship in which satisfied vs. thwarted needs are the most crucial, I would say it’s in parent-child relationships! Among environmental factors, the most widely accepted predictor of child mental health is parenting quality. And if the basic psychological needs for relatedness, competence, and autonomy are universal, children have them too.

Thirty years ago, Wendy Grolnick and Richard Ryan paved the way for an extensive body of research documenting the benefits of parental involvement, structure, and autonomy-support, posited to support relatedness, competence and autonomy. Results of cross-sectional, longitudinal and intervention studies suggest that raising children in this autonomy-supportive way is associated with greater child internalization, motivation, self-regulation as well as greater psychological health and well-being. Autonomy-support in the parent-child relationship is thus key for preventing ill-being and promoting well-being.

Unfortunately, providing those key “nutriments” is not necessarily natural or easy! As parents, we constantly have to deal with numerous demands and though we may want the best for our children, we can find ourselves saying or doing things that don’t support or even thwart our children’s psychological needs. Studies aiming to identify determinants of controlling practices (e.g., conditional love; criticism; manipulation) point to those external and internal sources of pressure (e.g., stressful lifestyle; perfectionism). Sadly, pressure can also stem from children’s themselves, as the parental resources required to support children’s needs are more easily depleted when children behave in disruptive and/or worrisome ways. Ironically, those children “pull” for more controlling practices, which can exacerbate their difficulties.

So parents’ challenge resides in avoiding this pitfall and in supporting children’s innate growth tendencies of intrinsic motivation and internalization as much as possible. When reading the section (below) about how to put these principles into practice, please keep in mind that it is impossible to be 100% need-supportive all the time. When you will slip (which is inevitable), try to replace self-criticism by some self-compassion and to also pay attention to your own psychological (and physical!) basic needs.

In Practice: Parenting

Children’s intrinsic motivation will flourish as long as no obstacle (external contingency) is present. It may seem easy to let this natural tendency take its course but as parents, it can be hard to resist the temptation to control children’s play, discoveries and developing mastery. To preserve the inherent interest of intrinsically activities and its healthy concomitants, try to:

  • Understand child’s perspective and cultivate activities that are interesting to them;

  • Avoid adding incentives or evaluation (even positive evaluation) for behaviors or activities; and

  • Foster activities done for their own sake instead of having child do the activity while expecting something in return.

Though children also have a natural tendency to internalize the values and ways of life from their surroundings, it is facilitated or hindered by the degree to which they feel accepted as they are, capable and volitional. Providing the guidance and structure they need is essential, even if making demands and setting limits is often not enjoyable for parents. Research has pointed to some helpful ways to play that socialization role.

  • First, acknowledging children’s experience and viewpoints is key, rather than denying, ignoring or minimizing what they feel and think. That doesn’t mean that parents should eliminate requests and limits!

  • But when providing such structure, communicating why requested do’s and don’ts are important is helpful.

  • Other ways to support children’s autonomy is to let them make some decisions about the way they will engage in requested tasks, and to foster children’s active participation in problem-solving.

  • Finally, replacing pressuring tone and words (e.g., have to, must) by an informational, considerate style is also a way to support children’s autonomy in this context.

These autonomy-supportive parenting practices have been associated with positive indicators of child development from toddlerhood to adolescence.

Suggested Readings & Research


(2020) Journal of Family Psychology

The impact of environmental threats on controlling parenting and children’s motivation

Genevieve Mageau

(2016) Educational Psychology Review

Parent autonomy support, academic achievement, and psychosocial functioning: A meta-analysis of research

Erika Patall

(2015) Child Development Perspectives

Let us not throw out the baby with the bathwater: Applying the principle of universalism without uniformity to autonomy-supportive and controlling parenting

Bart Soenens Maarten Vansteenkiste

(2017) Self-determination theory: Basic psychological needs in motivation, development, and wellness

Parenting, autonomy, and well-being: Speaking plainly about parenting

Edward Deci Richard Ryan

(2015) Canadian Journal of Behavioural Science

Validation of the Perceived Parental Autonomy Support Scale (P-PASS)

Richard Koestner Genevieve Mageau Jacques Forest Mireille Joussemet

(1989) Journal of Educational Psychology

Parent styles associated with children's self-regulation and competence in school

Richard Ryan Wendy Grolnick Richard Koestner Mireille Joussemet

(2009) Child Development Perspectives

Issues and challenges in studying parental control: Toward a new conceptualization

Wendy Grolnick

(2019) Handbook of parenting : vol.1 : children and parenting

Parenting adolescents

Bart Soenens Maarten Vansteenkiste

(1997)

Internalization within the family: The self-determination theory perspective

Edward Deci Richard Ryan Wendy Grolnick

(2011) Memory

Characteristics of functional joint reminiscence in early childhood

(2017) Journal of Youth and Adolescence

When Do Adolescents Accept or Defy to Maternal Prohibitions? The Role of Social Domain and Communication Style

Bart Soenens Maarten Vansteenkiste

(2022) Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology

How-to parenting program: A randomized controlled trial evaluating its impact on parenting

Genevieve Mageau Mireille Joussemet

(2021) Journal of Child and Family Studies

Effectiveness of a Brief Preventive Parenting Intervention Based in Self-Determination Theory

Wendy Grolnick

(2019) Journal of Child and Family Studies

Evaluating a self-determination theory-based preventive parenting consultation: The parent check-in

Wendy Grolnick

(2018) Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology

Effectiveness and acceptability beliefs regarding logical consequences and mild punishments

Richard Koestner Genevieve Mageau Mireille Joussemet

(2017) Motivation and Emotion

Parental autonomy-supportive practices and toddlers’ rule internalization: A prospective observational study

Julie C. Laurin Mireille Joussemet

(2016) Journal of Sport and Exercise Psychology

Exploration of the mechanisms of change in constructs from self-determination theory and quality of life during a multi-disciplinary family-based intervention for overweight adolescents

Martin Hagger